In order to understand, we have to be able to see the journey…
Over the years, I have worked with and learned from several different Deities. As I grew in the work, so did certain perspectives of Deities. I see everything like it is a pattern on an interconnected web. You are a pattern, I am, each animal, plant, and even Deity is one pattern on the Web. Every individual pattern on the Web is part of a larger pattern. You and I are humans, so we are also a pattern within the larger pattern of Humans – an individual blue bird is its own pattern, but also a part of the larger pattern of all blue birds. An individual Goddess is a face, an aspect, a personality of the larger pattern of Goddess – each individual be just a part of a whole. I also believe many of the Deities we have faces and names for, were actual living people at one time: deeply connected to certain domains such as fertility – perhaps they were a fabulous midwife or spiritual leader that the people saw in this way – after their death (through ancestor veneration) the people kept calling to them for help with that, thus connecting them deeper to that domain and making them a part of the Goddess pattern over time as a Goddess. This perspective is mine, but important to understand the story I am about to tell you…
I spent a lot of time moving from the multiple Goddesses to one Goddess – The Mother, The Mother of Death and Life, the one who is the core pattern for all the others. It happened gradually due to the nature of my work with Them and what They showed me. To me, The Mother is Santa Muerte – Holy Death, Mother Death. The Mother or the feminine aspect of Death is also life, rebirth to life, because of the feminine side. She has a name now Santa Muerte, but in the language of the people it just means Holy Death, so for them to say Her name it is just them saying Holy or Sacred Death. For me I use Santa Muerte, Mother Death, Mother of Souls, even Exsu from the Soul Runes – but they are all the same Deity, the core pattern for Goddesses – perhaps even all Gods but that is not where we are right now.
I worked with Her in this way for quite awhile. I built my own statue of Her using a poseable Halloween skeleton. I sewed a dress for Her out of a dress of mine I loved. I made different colored cloaks for Her out of scrap materials. My husband used some scrap wood and metal and made Her a throne and double headed scythe at my request. She was the center and the wholeness of all domains, of all aspects.
Fast forward a bit… I was happy and just moving smoothly in my growth, when The Morrigan and other Deities I had worked with before started showing back up. Their energies were strong and clear, yet Santa Muerte’s started fading. Not gone but shifted heavily into a Fates aspect and not the same kind of wholeness or presence. I embraced it though, because it was nice to be surrounded by so many familiar energies, ones I thought were “gone” in the sense of their individual forms.
Before all this, I has a hard time working with multiple Deities at once. Definitely my own mental blocks and worries, but still difficult. This time was different though. I could see clearly all their specific domains and what that looked like from a practice aspect. After several rearranges, I finally got my altar set in a way that worked well with this new movement of many. As the altar took shape, so did the work and practices. It was working great and the work was flowing.
Two weeks ago, right after I posted an altar tour on YouTube, we had a week of huge storms, tons of flooding, and our internet went out for a week. At the beginning everything flipped upside-down. I got the message clear to remove everything and only place things back that represented me, my path, my work. I didn’t know where this was going, but I carefully packed all the effigies, statues, and pieces into my truck. What remained was my knife and bowl – deep lessons. My Flower skull that represented my Death work. My Turkey Vulture skull that represents my healing side. My Raven that represented my Guardianship work. Then other pieces such as tools, servitors, and so forth. No Deities though. For several days I went deep into these aspects of my self. Reflecting and understanding them from different perspectives and movements. Seeing the interconnections and patterns of them, as me and parts of me, in new ways. But just as I was settling into it, things shifted again.
Sante Muerte’s energy started flowing again. She was everywhere and my mind once again floated towards Her. I was seeing Her Fates side, the way many come to Her, asking for assistance, change, or movement. I was seeing Her as The Web itself, that which all the patterns sat upon and were interconnected by because She is both Death and Life – thus all are connected to. I was seeing Her as the Well itself, the place all Soul’s pass through and are reborn from. She showed a deeper perspective and movement of the elements in the way of weaving and shifting the strings on the Web – within myself – within nature – within the worlds.
Then yesterday I got urge to put Her effigy back onto my altar. Not the small bought one, but the large one I created that has been sitting on my Guardian shrine. I spent the morning cleaning everything. Wiping down her bones with water, changing Her cloak from the white/gold to the black/red – which for me is her wholeness, all the colors as one, and the red for that deep family type of love (not romantic but bonds). I took one of my sacred oils I craft and anointed Her throne and scythe with it. Once She was set on the altar, I anointed Her feet and palms with it. Then I just sat with Her in the space.
This is the only statue or effigy I have owned that I truly feel the energy inhabits. For the most part, those symbols are more for me then Them, for my focus and a way of saying “this is your space too.” This effigy has always been different though. She has always had this life about Her, especially in the eyes. Her energy actually inhabits the effigy, not like a container but Her owning it for Her reasons. It is hard to explain in words, but the feeling is clear. This time was no different, but a lot stronger and more animated. I sat for over an hour just staring into Her eyes and being wrapped in Her energy.
Then She clearly state a choice for me to make: I could have the Pantheon of Deities or I could have just Her.
Some may see the choice from the perspective of jealousy – it was not. Either way I chose it would still be Her because of the way I see them all. It was more about a choice of working in pieces – different faces for different domains and work, or working in wholeness – because I see Them as patterns within Her (like personalities of one). It wasn’t about choosing Her over others – the choice was pieces or wholeness, although I didn’t realize it in that moment… no that came later when reflecting on it all. In the moment it felt like a choice between, not from jealousy, but how did I want to work.
My answer was Her.
I had finally figured out how to work with many in a harmonious and joyful way, and that was purposeful. If She had asked me that before that experience, the choice would have been instant “you” because the many at once was overwhelming and just a lot of work from my perspective. I had to experience what the wonderful side of that was like, and how to really work it for the choice to be meaningful.
They all had to come back for me to have the experience.
She had me put them all away and just have my aspects on the altar, because I needed to see and focus on the reasons for doing any of this in the first place. I needed to see me at the center – I needed to see that all of this was about my path, my growth, and my life. Not from a perspective or broad way, but in a clear and focused way. My pillars (Tower, Voice, Witness, Weaver) were not just the jobs I did, not just ways of being and moving, they were the core of me. How I worked each element, in each one, was different, how the elements together worked in each one was different – not just defining but seeing the movements and possibilities in the movements. Again, I do not have the right words yet to explain to other people, but the understanding and feeling is there.
If I had not removed everything but that, I would not have had this particular experience and understanding of the depths of it.
It was only a couple of weeks but a bulk of that was without any distractions – no internet, no cell phones, and no way out of our valley due to flooding and road closures. Perpetual rain and flooding so no outside work. This left me all the time to be consumed by my spiritual with no outside influences or distractions.
I spent yesterday and this morning absorbing all of this. Reflecting on all the changes, aspects, the why’s of them, and the experiences of them. Some people will look at all this and see chaos – but I know why it had to happen, why it was this way, and what I gained in all of it. I have to experience. I had to experience what each side of that choice could look like to really have it be a choice.
It wasn’t just a choice between many in their own domains and one in wholeness (all the domains and more) – it was also about how I want to be, live, and work. All my work was about bringing myself to wholeness. Not just one thing, but many at once. Not just one job but several, all interconnected and that work together as a whole – Death, Healing, Guardianship, Witness. It was like if She was asking “Will you continue to move to wholeness or will you return to separating and ordering everything?”
I have a feeling there is much more to come since my choice was wholeness. It will always be wholeness for me, because I know what each step towards it feels like, how it has changed me and my life in wondrous and great ways. Crane Practitioners work in Dualities to find the wholeness in them.
This wasn’t chaos – it was a chain of events that had to happen, so I could have true experience of them, to stand strong and with confidence in my choice once it was made. I had to see all sides and myself. Frustrating – confusing in the moment – but not chaos.
Tonight I will light this small pink candle, that looks like it is interwoven/ weaved together, and I will re-dedicate myself to Her and to this path. Not a new beginning, but a dedication to continue. To stay within wholeness, follow wholeness, and keep working towards deeper wholeness.
She is all – and so I am.
