It has been a long time since I have fallen into the conformity trap. The one that makes me unsure of myself based on another’s opinion.
I have found myself slow to share my experiences with Santa Muerte, because I got a comment on one of my Patheos articles basically poking at me for my experience for the Santa Muerte – saying people who have worked with Her for a long time, and the indigenous people, would probably have something to say about it. It was in the tone of – “because She is fairly new to me, that my experiences are not valid.” What bullshit – and for several reasons.
First and foremost, it doesn’t matter if I just connected with a Deity or have walked with them my whole life – my experiences are mine and valid to me. I am not telling anyone how to perceive Deities or a dogma to follow – I am sharing my own experiences.
I was already a little self-conscious just due to the social climate around culture and gatekeeping, and besides a little Native American I do not have a cultural backing in Mexico where Santa Muerte in this particular form originates. Another trap, conditioned by outside views and perspectives, not my own. If a Deity comes to you, there is something there for you, period. This has always been my experience and belief – what I teach others – yet I let this crazy conditioning make me feel awkward about talking about Her…. Craziness.
Our experience with Deity is personal and specific to our path, the growth we need to go through, and the healing that needs to happen. I hope our experiences are different… resonant with the core energy of the Deity but personal to us. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone except myself, and neither do you.
Santa Muerte in name and image is new, but She is not new to me. I have been walking towards Her energy the whole time because She is the core energy of the death/ rebirth/ life pattern for me. In the form of Santa Muerte She is the faceless – In the form of the Mother of Death, She is the nameless. Her energy is the core energy that was behind all the others – and what I have been going deeper and deeper to find, without even knowing I was looking.
In a conversation with Santa Muerte tonight, She made all this clear to me. Opening my eyes to this hole I had fallen in and demanding me to crawl out, get up, and do what I do – share my own.
I have been struggling to find my devotional practice with Her, because it has to be something different because I am different now. My path is different – not changed but narrowed down, solidified, and at a point of transmutation – not just another chapter of my life, but a whole new book. So I asked Her….
Gifts – working and resisting any obstacle
You have the upper-hand – what you desire blossoms
do not continue to expand endlessly, but go deeper
Spread out into the world – make that which is unstable, stable, or moving that which is in-movable.
From the cradle to the tomb I am with you. A continual regeneration, not of opposites but of complimentary energies.
This is not pain free. (there will be some who strike out but you are protected)
You carry the wisdom of your ancestors – analyze the situation with hindsight and foresight and then act.
Don’t care about the logic and reason – know through what you feel. (There is a time where books and outside voices can not give you any more. Where the knowledge is now in the inner knowing and your Guide. Trust in that, surrender to that, with love and joy)
Unbiased point of view of the experiences. (Personal discernment and honesty, but not approval from outside of me)
Life is hard but do not let it weigh you down or slow you down.
Even harsh winters and brutal storms could not bring you down.
Let me (Santa Muerte) guide you.
Right after this, She gave me a mantra, for us (Her and I). One that I can say daily with my mala. I know this is because I struggled with the prayer structure I was experimenting with and was modeled after Her rosary others put out. That isn’t my style though and I just was not feeling it. Using the mala and prayer mantras though are my thing. The time it take for both is about the same, but the meaning and feeling behind it is completely different for me.
After She gave it to me, I grabbed my mala and went to work. Yes – this is what I needed! I started feeling the connection grow, sliding into that familiar rhythm of my devotion and love for Her.
With Speed and Power our Sacred Garden Grows
In Love – two into one
In Balance – the Choices
In Harmony – the Emotions
It makes perfect sense to me and holds deep meaning for me. That is what a prayer/ mantra is supposed to be. There is purpose and personal meaning behind it. Where I am right now – Where we (She and I) are right now.
What I hope you take away from all this:
No matter how long you have been deep into your path, your spirituality, your practices – we can all fall into these traps. We can get tunnel vision. We can be influenced by the words of others. I could not see that my hesitations, my worries, were not coming from me, but from someone’s outside perspective. That I let that affect me, and make me unsure of the one job my Deities have always asked of me – share my own experiences with others. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I have feelings – I am human. Recognizing the issue, taking responsibility for my reaction to it, and correcting it though is the important part.
We are not static – We are learning and growing all the time because it is what humans are supposed to do. Will some of my perspectives a year from now be different – Yes they will, because time, experience, and hind-sight changes us. It won’t be everything, just the things I work on and go deeper into.
No one can tell you what you experience. Spirituality and magical practices are chalked full of experiences we can not prove, but it doesn’t change the reality of it for those who experience it. Faith comes in many forms. Trust, trust in yourself and your Guides is imperative.
Follow your way, what works for you. It is good to practice and experiment with other techniques and structures – You never know when something new will work for you or you will gain a stepping stone to something bigger due to the experience – but in the end what is important is what gives you real results. I experimented and got good, quick results but not near the level of tonight.