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My Journey – The Past Year

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candles representing duality

This past year, many things have shifted. Not changed in the sense of “new” but instead deeper. I took several long journeys with The Morrigan and creating new tools from those journeys. She revealed some new Paths and the lessons within them which we walked together. I gained a new kind of Voice through all of this, and also made some of my own mistakes along the way.

This is going to be long, so grab a cup of something warm and let’s start the story…

In the previous years The Morrigan helped me to deconstruct and build completely new foundations – for myself, my life, and my practices. One’s of my own making. After going through major transformations we spend a period of time Living in them. Moving from a place of knowledge and the work of getting there, to bringing it all forth, embodying them, until they are just who you are now. Fast forward a few more years, and we come to the space of this past year. Building on-top of all of that, as well as going deeper and discovering more of the bigger picture.

This past year has been heavy in Dualities. All Dualities within us and around us. Their perspectives. How they interact and counteract each other. How to walk within them and use them to the advantage of the path I am forging. How to walk between both sides and belong to none – what that really means. What Balance truly means – and it is not equal measure. Recognition of the dualities in myself, and within The Morrigan, at a deep and primal level.

Doing this work is not as easy as it sounds. Most of the Duality we think we know, is just on the surface of what is truly there. Like most things, we learn at a surface level. Even when we think we have gone to the depths, over time we realize that Well is much deeper than we imagined. It is why we never stop growing and changing. Time and hindsight bring revelations in these things that can not come about in any other way. Our world has a hard time comprehending this I think because everything has turned into “instant” – instant gratification – instant knowledge – instant change – but this is not how the soul and nature work, it is not how life works.

Sometimes I am quick to think I have the understanding She is trying to give me. Part of it is getting caught up in the excitement, but much of it is because I think I see a bigger picture but do not realize I am closer to the surface then the bottom. I do not see the depths of that Well. Then there are times, not as common, but generally more devastating to me, where I hone in too much on exact words and miss the real message behind them. This is what has caused so much turmoil within me the past year, that grew and grew, then crushed me beneath a weight that was of my own design.

So what was my failure?

In one of my first journeys with Her at the start of this She revealed two things – a Duality – that I got so stuck on. I saw the bigger meaning, but my logical brain was rooted in these two word – chirstian and tradition. Two sides of a Waring duality that had to be reconciled in the middle. My logical brain took this as specifically directed at two groups of people – and it isn’t. It is aimed at two ideas – religions and traditions – both are traps for the soul – and it all started with the pages below…

(Pages with my book : Goddess, Sacred Words of Transformation)

They are traps because they are boxes. Each side thinking their box is so different, so much better than the other, and completely missing that each holds the same controls, the same problems. Traditions is what I think of when I think of Pagans, the occult, witchcraft in all its forms. Christian is referring not just to that religion but all religions. Both sides get twisted and distorted by people. Used to control the behaviors and connections of people. Both put people in positions of power over others in a spiritual space. Putting something between you and divine, something between your own personal growth and path you have to create for yourself. They give rules and restrictions. As the Traditions side – we don’t want to see that or believe that. We want to say that tradition is a “guide” for us, but we have to be honest about how that is really being used in our current place and society. All the fighting, all the divisions, all the “rules” that people are placing on others for the sake of this thing we call tradition, because Tradition isn’t personal – it is passed down. We can turn it into something personal, we can get ideas and alter them into something personal – but tradition alone is just another box.

We hold onto tradition and religion because they make us feel a part of something – connected to something larger than us – something older than us – connected to others around us. We like the steadiness of something old – tried and true – because it makes us feel safer. We like the sound of the word itself – Tradition. The problem isn’t the premise of these two things, the problem comes in how people use them. People use them to separate and exclude others. They use them to feel like they are better and more enlightened then others. They use them because we live in a world of disconnection and people are desperately trying to figure out where they fit in – Thus others will use them in order to control those people.

Traditions and religion in and of themselves can be useful. They can help inspire us, give us ideas, and places to start. They show us the paths others have traveled, both good and bad. The problem isn’t these two sides of the same duality – the problem is what people do with it. If we are not building our own personal connections and understanding of Divine – if we are only following another person’s dogma – we will only stay on the surface level of possibilities. We will only glimpse the true nature of divine and never truly know its depths. If we are walking someone else’s path we will never truly discover our own, thus our own potentials. If we are allowing others to dictate our actions and morals, we will never look deep enough within ourselves to find who we truly are. This is just the tip of the issues.

I believe we have all these fractures within us, these things we keep talking about that we need to heal within ourselves, but if you are following another’s path in hopes that it will do this for you, you are wrong. You will just create new fractures because you are still trying to fit into another’s box. You are not walking the path that you, this one individual person, needs to walk for themselves. We are not cookie cutter people and we can not use cookie cutter methods to grow. Sure you may achieve a level of growth and spirituality by following these traditions and religions – but you will never embody your full power or potential. You will never know the depths and the possibilities of yourself or divine.

The pagan and witch communities talk about these concepts. They say to walk your own path, find your own ways, create your own connections – and in the same breath I see many telling you that you are wrong, that you are not doing it right, that what you are experiencing isn’t true. The truth is, that they are speaking from their own perspectives, their own truths, their own ways, and trying to force them onto others.

Then the argument becomes – well what about community. These traditions and religions give us common ground to come together around, and people have a need to find a place they belong, that they can connect to others like them. To this, my question becomes – Why do we have to hold the exact same beliefs in order to connect with other people and be a community? This is the trap talking. This is the people who want to wield power for their own purposes. If you are in a room full of people who believe as you believe, experience as you experience, then where does the growth come from? Not the surface level growth but true growth of the self? We grow by learning and sharing differences. Seeing new perspectives and exploring new ideas. Sharing our differences, our different experiences, our own ways not only helps inspire and give others new ideas, but it can also be what brings us together – what glues our community together. There is no right or wrong way – just our own way. Yes we will fall and fail, we also will succeed and grow.

My failure was in focusing on two groups of people – when my lesson was about holding and protecting space where all could come together. It is why the message were so detrimental for me personally if I forged on with this distorted idea of what The Morrigan tasked me with – because they would have been. I am not about divisions, I am about places where our differences are celebrated and respected. I don’t care what your “religion” or “tradition” is or says, I am interested in your personal stories and experiences. The greatest conversations I have ever had were with people who were not like me, who believed differently, and who shared their own experiences with me. One of the greatest people I ever met was a Franciscan Brother who knew my path was not his, who never tried to convert me to his, but instead just shared all his ideas, personal experiences, things he learned about all different religions and paths. He taught me to see where we all overlap. Because we were so different, we were able to learn more from each other, to see new perspectives.

My failure wasn’t in getting the message wrong – my failure was in not moving from the surface words in order to see the real depth.

All the work in creating my own foundations, deconstructing all the things conditioned into me, created a solid place to keep me centered. This place where the Bond between Her and I is unshakable. Where we see the depths of each other, and Her ever vigilant presence fills me with love.

All the storms I have had to walk through to get to this moment now, was to give me strength and wisdom for the ones to come. My road is one of tragedy, yet also triumph. We hate the storm, we fight the storm, yet rarely do we embrace it and accept it. She has taught me that. To embrace it, feel the depths of it, let it wash over me, because I know the beauty of the transformation when the light dawns again.

All the deep lessons in Dualites, and the specific dualities at the center of our work, was to prepare me for what comes next. This space, this community, is just another piece of what is to come next but not the path itself. Something else will grow from that because it is not a space owned by me or another, but by every single person who steps into it. Another piece that will be needed for what is to come.

I accepted my role long ago. Her Senecschal. A Voice but not the only Voice. A Vessel but not the only Vessel. Each of us has our our jobs to do, people to reach, lessons to learn, and spaces to hold sacred. Each of us leads, not be preaching or controlling, but by sharing our own. How we experience and see Her – removing all the masks and boxes others have placed upon Her for the sake of their own “traditions” and “religions.” Sharing our connection to Divine, to Her, – how we created it, and what it means to us personally, in the hopes it will inspire another to find their own way and experience yet another side of Her.

This isn’t the whole journey of the last year, just a part, but a part that is the start.