I felt it coming months before the Winter Solstice. A change, a transformation, but not a usual one – No, something much larger and more altering. My Goddess told me it was coming for months. I just didn’t understand what “it” was. I had gotten so used to always being in some state of transformation with Her that I did not really get the transmutation part – the literal moving from one state of being to another. To me there wasn’t a huge distinction between the two in my mind. Just a change.
Since the Winter Solstice I have been restless. Not the usual restlessness that comes from time to time when I am slow to make one of our transformations. Those points where I feel a little stuck or bored. No, this restlessness was taking a darker turn. My social media feeds were filled with angry, argumentative people. My mundane life has been riddled with some irritating challenges that keep just popping up. I was starting to feel this huge disconnect within.
I knew what the change was after the Winter Solstice passed. I knew where my Goddess was going with all of it. I was actively following the things that were challenging me – such as sticking hard to my boundaries – picking and choosing to walk away from battles that were not worth the time and effort – which was hard because my social feeds were filled with them.
I was even embracing this new concept that She was pushing – remove the name of Divine to unbox Her. This has been stemming from two places. The first was a message She keeps giving – “It does not matter what you call Divine – it is the connection that matters”. The second is that we box Divine into narrow views with a name. I experienced this first hand over the years with Her. What is out there about Her, in books, in lore, in mainstream, is just a sliver of who She really is. Most not even acknowledging that the name we have for Her now is just the oldest one we have, but not Her oldest name. She predates all of Her lore, and most would probably even agree with that statement, and there is archaeological evidence to back it, yet they can not seem to agree that She is more than those particular stories. She is more than a small set of domains people have attributed to Her.
I get and understand all of this and it is directly related to this new transformation. Because even though I knew all of this, that is what I have experienced with Her – in my limited human mind, there were still boxes for Her. Much larger and encompassing boxes, but still boxes. She still had to shift into another face, another illusion, for me to get where I am supposed to be going. But instead of staying in that illusion until I grasped it as She has done before, She shattered it so I would understand with super clarity that it is always Her and will always be Her. She takes different forms because of my limitations, my stubbornness, what society has drilled into me in unconscious ways. She takes them in order for me to learn and embrace something I would not have looked at on my own. Divine Trickery with purpose.
It has taken my human brain a little time to catch up. To see the full scope of the situation and the path we are going down now. It has taken some time to realize the limitations I was still unconsciously placing on Her and myself. To realize that even though this new shift may seem dramatic on the outside, it is just a normal progression – not leaving behind something, but blending new things into it.
I understand why the name I have called Her for so long, that was needed in the beginning, does not serve a purpose now. We as humans attach such importance to a name because we think it is how we directly connect to someone, identify them, but the names of our Deity were given to Them by others. Whether They lived and that was Their name in life, or it changed as cultures and beliefs blended, these were given names that limited Them, Their domains, over time – Boxes. I am not going to speak on others, but my Goddess is much more than those and She has shown that time and time again.
This new transformation is just a new transformation of growth for me – but will look like a transmutation for others – Just as Hers looked to me. I have spent decades in Her Waters, in The transformation of Tower times, in Death, In the Well of Souls – the spaces between death and new life. Now She is moving me into Her Fire – creation, life, earthy things. Blending these aspects into my foundations just as I created them with Water. Not leaving the water behind, but blending more into it. To move into a space beyond the fire of Tower and into the space of Fire in creation. New views. New perspectives. New lessons to blend into all that we have created so far, because like Her, I am more than the boxes I have created for myself.
I no longer need a name for Her, because the name doesn’t matter. The name I used is not even Her original name. So She is simply My Goddess now, as I have simply become Esa. No more boxes. No more need of Her illusions, Her Divine trickery because my eyes were not open.
A weight has been lifted and that feeling of restlessness has moved into excited anticipation for endless possibilities. Nothing is lost, all is carried forward with me, because that is what growth is. I am excited for what comes next. I am excited to see what doors will open and what I will discover as I move forward along this journey. It took awhile to get here, longer than I care to admit, but I am here and a whole new world is opening before me.