It isn’t a purposeful thing. It’s not like I set out to ignore what She has told me. I have learned over the years that it would never work for me anyway, because She will eventually smack me down with whatever it is. Now don’t get all ruffled here about getting smacked down – I appreciate when She does this. Maybe not always the way She chooses to, but in the end it is about my growth and I understand that. Besides, at this point I’d be more concerned if She didn’t.
Over the past several months, during the creation of some divination tools and sacred text that emerged from that, She gave me some very specific messages.
“Loyalty to the authority and wealth of the one you serve. Falters and falls should be analyzed for the reason why – look from multiple angles”
“Be unafraid to walk your path alone – not a hard woman, society makes her a target – focus on the energy of creation”
“Service to One – The Morrigan”
“Do not deviate from the path agreed upon – it will only create a power struggle within”
“It all begins and ends with The Morrigan”
There is a lot more but these specifically focus on the issue here and stood out yesterday.
I have had a lot of deities come in and out during my work. Some come in for lessons I need, some to point me in a direction I wouldn’t have looked at otherwise, some come to have me deliver a message to someone else, and lately unknowns/ primals are showing up to tell Their stories. I think the last two are happening more often for two reasons – The first being that all the work I have done with The Morrigan and Kari has honed the skill of communication with Them. Second being the Bridge Spell I did with ancestors – it has really ramped up since then.
Now some are reading this thinking “Wow, I want that ” but like all blessings there are curses that go hand in hand. I accept this fact but certain situations make me falter on my own path. Passing messages is easy and uncomplicated – the others however get more muddied. They build bonds between that Deity and myself. Lessons require a certain amount of bonding and the deeper the lesson the deeper the bond grows. Getting Their stories takes time, energy, and a much deeper bond. It’s like building a friendship/ relationship. To build that bond requires you to put pieces of yourself into it. When They leave, those pieces go with Them. Loss and sorrow is felt. The longer They stay the worse it is. This is the curse aspect for me. I have tried to keep an objective distance, knowing what is to come, but to do the work properly requires that depth.
Thus my problem that The Morrigan has been drilling into me arises – Since the depth of the bond needed can not be avoided, I try to convince myself that They are here to stay. They will just become part of my personal pantheon. This is my own delusion though. The Morrigan has made it clear that it was always, and will always be, only Her. The bond I have built with the others doesn’t break, it is still there, I can reach out any time, but unless there is reason (to pass a message or a lesson) it’s basically just a “hi” thing. Some come in and out for lessons at different times, but as soon as I get it, They are gone again.
Knowing this is the case – Knowing the pain of loss and sorrow that will inevitably come with it – I try to convince myself that this time will be different, They are staying, and it never is. This thinking doesn’t make the loss any less – that comes from the deep bond itself – but what it does do is cause faltering on my own path and with my Goddess.
I know I need to accept this. On many days I do. I know what will happen, the truth of it. Yet I still falter because of my own want to not have to keep losing those I have spent so much time and energy on, that I built deep bonds with, that I have come to love. My whole life has a lot of loss attached to it both personal and professional (a lot of death doula work as a nurse). All my spiritual and magical work is centered in transformation – Death and Creation. Just because I am used to it though, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt deeply every time. I feel every bit of it, every time. Again, curses and blessings.
So I did some deep reflections and talked with The Morrigan most of the day yesterday. Because the truth isn’t that I build an illusion to protect myself – if I did it would hurt less when They go. So I needed to find the core of the issue of why. I think one issue is outside influence. Listening to others talk about all their Deities, the bonds they get to keep and that stay with them. I watch all these Deities gathering around my friend and partner in magic. All having Their own domains and rolls in the path she is walking. These people don’t seem to have to deal with the loss of Them. So envy is part of the problem. The messed up thing is – while I am envying the fact that their Deities stay, they say they are envying my ability to communicate the ways I do with mine. Another outside problem comes in the form of the way our community looks at paganism and Deities. In an attempt to get away from a one god concept that is heavily christianized – they make it seem like multiple gods is a necessity. I know this isn’t true and we need some new narratives, but in weak moments it weighs on me.
So where does this all leave me? I think The Morrigan summed it up best:
“All that life has to offer, the best and the worst – you will experience it all”
“Service to One – The Morrigan. Follow the instructions given for She has my best interests at heart. Live and express that belief – accepting it – allowing it to expand, even if you may lose some people along the way”
This is my path. These abilities to communicate with Them the way I do are ones I wanted, worked hard for, and like all gifts there will also be a downside to them – Duality in balance. Instead of trying to delude myself with an illusion or trying to avoid the pain, I need to embrace the reality and consequences of my path. I would not give up my experiences with any of Them, or the relationship I have built with The Morrigan for anything. They have all been crucial for my own growth as a person, in my spirituality, and my magic. In the end though I know I will always have The Morrigan. She has made that abundantly clear and I am eternally grateful for that knowledge, because it does help.
My personal pantheon, the one that will always stay, is a Deity of one. The rest will all come and go. It doesn’t make our time together less, or the bond any weaker. I am grateful for the time I do get with Them, what I learn, and even the sorrow when They go because it shows the depth of the bond I was able to build with Them.
So yes – I am always hearing my Goddess, but sometimes I need to slow down, really listen to what She is telling me, reflect, and accept it. For hearing and listening are two very different things.