To say my relationship with the The Morrigan is complicated is a bit of an understatement but not for the reasons you might think. In order to explain where I am going though, I must first reflect on where I have been…
I was very young when I came to paganism (using the term loosely). I spent much of my first years as a devourer of knowledge. I read about a variety of religions (pagan, eastern, western, new, ancient), talked with people who followed them. I studied lore, cultures, traditions, witchcraft (many forms), history, and science (yes believe it or not there is a lot of science involved in witchcraft). I incorporated the things that resonated with me and grew from there.
The more I learned the more my practices took shape. Not under one dogma/ tradition but more focused on what personal resonates. Some would call this eclectic but when I think eclectic I think more chaotic and drawing from all over and that was not me. I was very drawn to nature based, energy based, divinatory types of practice. A lot of this I attribute to my family’s history although that is more of a later correlation.
From as long as I can remember though I have felt this particular energy. I did not seek its name or work to define it. For me it just simply was and saw it as the universal divine energy that connects us all. I had no interest in deities or someone else telling me what I should believe or how to practice. Instead I let the energy and my intuition guide me.
Around the time I was 17 or 18 an experience occurred that changed my view on certain things and went through a period of pulling back. I had been working with my main spirit guide for quite some time and started working on dream-scaping and astral travel. After about 6 months an energy started becoming very prevalent. It was darker and more forceful, yet in ways felt similar to my core energy I worked with. Others told me I had picked up something dark and said it had to go. I was young, I was in new territory that I knew left me more exposed, and it was scary at times, so I pushed back. These people were supposed to be more advanced then I so I assumed they were right. Let me say this now: Just because someone may have practiced longer than you, be older than you, it does not mean they know everything and sometimes have their own motives. Listen to yourself. Although I felt it was gone, in hind sight I realize it has always been there just lingering in the background and moving the pieces of the chess board. It would be a long long time before I would understand this though.
Through all my studies, The Morrigan would always seem to pop up, even in unexpected areas. Still I had no desire to work with deities. I believed in them, and understood them as patterns on the web of energy, but never a draw to them. I was also jaded by so many new age concepts like karma scales and skewed vision of balance (news flash: balance is both sides equally not just everything pushed to the light side).
None the less, my life has inadvertently been led in the service of the Morrigan. I became an ICU nurse and felt that I spent more time in death than healing. What I mean by this, is the patients I remember the most are the ones who I had to prepare them and their families for death. That’s why I say I felt more like hospice than ICU. I saw miracles and healing there too, but what I carry forward is the memory of those who passed. Preparing someone for that and holding their hand in those last moments changes you on a deep level, every time. I can see the path of The Morrigan in this.
When I did community and neighborhood work I spent a lot of that time fighting for those who society labeled as “lesser” or “poor”. I hate these kinds of words because they do not describe the character of the person, just a physical situation they are in. At times I worked 50-60 hours a week trying to improve their environmental conditions and resourcing for them, helping local nonprofits see from their point of view and what they really needed instead of what more well-off people thought they needed. I focused on what we had, not what we lacked. I created based on need, not data. If you have ever been in this type of work, you will understand the difference in approach. It was a battle every day though. It took a toll on my energy, my perspectives, and sometimes my humanity. I was not paid to do this, but called and asked to do it. Again, I can see the path of The Morrigan in the work.
There are many more instances and stories of my life that mirror these concepts but this is not what we are here for. You see, almost 3 years ago a strong energy came into my life again. I had a strong pull towards divination in the sense of tarot. I never felt any draw to use tools like that as I primarily used energy magic so it was strange and felt out of left field. Instead of fighting it though, I immediately researched decks, found the Dreams of Gaia, and never turned back. From the moment I started using them, the readings were spot on. I kept thinking that the more I used them, I would start seeing inconsistencies but I didn’t (I only read for myself at that time). Within in a few weeks I found myself knee deep in shadow work and designing my own spreads for it. It was never the intention, in all honesty I had no goals or intention when I started. Yet that all familiar energy was getting stronger again, more prominent. It didn’t take long to realize I was having a conversation with my soul and this energy.
At the beginning of this explosive growth cycle, that is still continuing now, my thoughts once again drifted to the Morrigan. It felt like a resounding NO though when I approached it. Until this moment I had never wanted or desired a relation with deity. Working with them on a certain spell or ritual was fine, but nothing confining. Something changed though and a journey was set in motion.
I ended up looking into the Norse pantheon and connecting with Freya first then moving to Hel. It was not the energy I felt but they were welcoming. As I studied lore and other books I came across this 24 day rune journey for divination. As with most things I altered it for me. I decided to let the runes decide their order because their original arrangement did not feel right for me, I was thinking of them in groups of 3, not 3 groups. The number three and me is a whole other story for another time. At the end I saw that the runes mapped out the cycle of life-death-rebirth backwards (backwards is also for another time), broken into seasons of time, gateways of growth, journey of the soul. (**You can learn all about this in the free Wheel of Time workbook PDF in the store section – coming later this week) This would lead to another moment in my growth and opened the flood gates on so many other concepts, topics, and new perspectives.
At this time, my thoughts once again turned to The Morrigan. So that night I asked one more time if it was her. I felt this energy, that old familiar feeling energy gently fall into my body, almost like a person sitting into another. It was like coming home. It’s hard to put it to words so that is the best I can do. I knew it was The Morrigan, it has always been The Morrigan, and always will be The Morrigan. In reflection I see my service to her in my actions, choices, and way I live my life. I see her influence, her demands, her pushing for as long as I can remember.
I have heard people talk about deities calling them and their dedications to these deities. I had expected that. My experience was not that. I have heard people talk about how The Morrigan came into their lives in a forceful way. My experience was not that. I think that has more to do with me and my past perceptions. I am very strong willed and very conscious to not allow my growth to be confined by another. That has always been a constant for me and she knew that, as she knows me. I have been taken to the brink with hard chaotic change more times than I care to admit, yet always emerging on the other side safe, wiser, and stronger. I understand why my journey has been this way, even why her first no was so I would complete the last part of a needed journey in order to accept her.
I don’t like the word patron. I am bound to her. I am bound to her as I am bound to the energy web. It is deeper than devotion. It’s more than words can define for me. In the end it is her.
So I suppose you can say this was a very long answer to what should be a simple answer. So where has this led me? I have spent this last period of my path learning about her, hearing what others say about her, listening to her, allowing her to guide me, and moving into this time of sharing my knowledge and experiences.
Tomorrow is the winter solstice, Yule, and the Great conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter creating a “star” not seen since the 1600’s. The winter solstice marks the beginning of a new journey, it is my new year. I am going to spend the next year developing my own practices, celebrations, traditions, and daily work all focused on The Morrigan. Building the path I will walk forward with her.
I am not worried about the dogma aspects as I feel we are both very clear that my dedication is to her, not a religion. My work will be shaped by her guidance and my intuition. This does not mean I am ignoring her lore and history, but the reality is those were written down by poets and others with their flare and influences as well. We have no real untainted records of their practices, worship, or even stories. In my opinion these things are guides and words to inspire our interpretations. I have always practiced based on what I found worked, my intuition, and what the energy has shown me. So I will listen to her. I will try things that may not work and find others that no one mentions that do. This is all about my relationship with her and that is defined by the journey. You can disagree and that is ok, we all have our own perspective and experiences that shape them but it will not change mine.
So the next year I am taking up this journey and will be logging the good, the bad, and the ugly here.
What will your journey this year be?
Have a great Winter Solstice!